Of course, the occasional baby voice proclaiming need for a potty break, a comment on someone’s hat, or an expressed desire for a drink of water NOW, was not considered acting up and received smiles and chuckles from adults whose kids were beyond that age. While the mother may have been a bit red faced as she ushered the child up the aisle or hushed the commentary on the hat, it was understood kids will be kids. 1 Samuel 1:22 Hannah did not go. She said to her husband, “After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the LORD, and he will live there always.” In Hannah’s case, she was actually giving her very young son into the care of the priest for priestly service to God. But parents and grandparents have God’s blessing to give their children and grandchildren to the Lord and ask in full confidence that they remain with Him always. That’s trust that God will watch over them and give them every opportunity to choose Him when they are making their own decisions.
My family was not even what has been referred to as Christmas and Easter Christians or Lily/Poinsettia Christians. Way back before I was born, there was pain inflicted by the good people of the church that made Dad and Mom decide they would not set foot in any church except when absolutely necessary such as weddings and funerals. Thus it was that I felt a need for “church” when our kids were born and pushed Dave and myself to find a church we could attend regularly. I wasn’t looking for Jesus; I was looking for what church-going people seemed to have when facing a crisis. Hmmmmm, wouldn’t that be . . . Jesus?
Church had changed. It was compartmentalized or departmentalized. The approach to the sermon meant children were ushered out for children’s church. Teens went off to Sunday school or Youth Church. No longer was it imperative that a child learn to sit still and be quiet while the pastor was speaking. Even Sunday school took on a cubical appearance. It became divided into age groups and gender groups. No one shared across the generations. Of course, no one stayed on the family farm any more either. Grandparents lived miles away from their second and third generation progeny and in many cases one generation never really knew the new generation. I grew up without grandparents because mine were all deceased before I was born. I missed what other children talked about for visits and fun.
Our children basically grew up without grandparents as they were all out of town. My parents died in 1966 and 1967. Our children were born in 1966 and 1970. Dave had one full set of grandparents on his father’s side of the family and a grandmother from his mother’s side of the family and had known his great, grandmother. While he was the proud possessor of so many grandparents, they and his parents were all out of town. Dave’s mother died when he was eighteen and his dad remarried. Our kids never really got to know any of them although they did meet them and interact with them. Dave’s dad is still living.
I grew up in an inter generational family. Dad and Mom married in 1920, Dot was born in 1921, Everett in 1924, Betty in 1931, and Pat in 1934. I was born in 1942. Dave’s father was born in 1923. Our children didn’t have a chance to figure out the difference between aunts/uncles and cousins because my nieces and nephews were the same ages as Dave’s siblings. Let me tell you there was plenty of inter generational stuff to learn from – both good and bad!
So, through the changes over the years, the family became disconnected, spread around the world, and technology made it faster though not easier to communicate. The post WWII men and women who wanted to strike out and go farther and get there faster than their parents began moving where the jobs were, where the housing was, where the grass was ever so much greener. Now we can communicate by so many gadgets and electronic devices in the speed of seconds, but we can’t understand each other.
I have been blessed in that I did not work away from home until our youngest child was fourteen. Still that was a difficult age to come home to an empty house. The values Dave and I hold were instilled in our kids. That isn’t to say they are cookie cutter images of us (thank you, Lord Jesus!). They have evaluated our values, kept some, strengthened some, and discarded some. Doubly blessed, I have been in close contact with Bett and Belle since their birth. I treasure the times with our kids and with Bett and Belle the way God treasures our time with Him.
Now families and churches are struggling to find solid footing in holding dear the generations as well as making sure each generation gives something to the other. What once came naturally has become families trying to learn to stay close, help each other out and learn from those who went before. If we don’t do this, there will be gaps in believers attending church. Notice I did not say there will be gaps in believers. We are experiencing churches losing the 19 to 30 age group. This is not to say they are shifting from one church or denomination to another, they are losing interest in what church community has to offer. What my generation saw dwindle away family life is now attacking the church family as well. The connection has been broken, wireless has dropped the connection, the interface has separated, the lines have been cut.
How do we repair all this? We learn to take delight in one another. Once when Bett was age four, we were having a wedding dance on the beach at the lake. She was in her bathing suit with a towel draped over her head for a veil. She was clutching dandelions in her baby hands and walking gracefully toward me from the end of the doc. I was singing the wedding song from Lohengren (not well, but very loud). She reached the end of the dock and stepped onto the sandy beach and we danced. She stopped and smiled up at me and said, “Grammy, do you know why I like you best?” I said I didn’t. “Because you are four like me!” What a compliment. Belle is a bit more prosaic but she too, likes it when I forget I am older than dirt and remember what it was like to be her age.
We have to get back to the time of enjoying to spend time together liking both our likenesses and differences. Typically grandparents have more patience with the younger set, because they may have some health issues but they have time. Besides, the younger set likes to hear about the good ol’ days and the young set’s parents are still finding the old set too slow witted to tie their own shoes. This attitude changes around the time the parents discover their progeny feel the same about them.
Some things to share with youngsters: telephone, telegraph, phonograph, vinyl records, 78, 33 and 45 rpm and the needle that captured the sounds. How about the Dictaphone? Try explaining that one especially if you are old enough to have used wax cylinders to record and play back the sound of your boss’ voice. Where did the ticker tape come from for the ticker-tape parades in the 30’s? What is a ticker anyway and what was it the forerunner of? I recently walked into an AT&T store to purchase a new cell phone. As the young man approached and asked if he could help I said, “I want a new phone with the following apps. I would prefer a little crank on the side which when turned brings to my ear a nice lady who will get me to whomever I wish to speak. I will accept a party-line of three.” He stared at me for a moment and then said, “Wouldn’t it be a blast if we had a model that looked like that?” He at least knew of what I spoke! Dave, as usual was embarrassed to be with me.
Show the youngsters how to make egg noodles from scratch but don’t expect to keep any for soup the next day because they will make them, cook them, salt and pepper them and eat them as fast as you take them out of the boiling water. Teach them to make their favorite pie or cake from fruit from the orchard, and ingredients that do not come as a fine powder from a box. When they come in the door and say, “Hi Gram (or Gramps) what are we going to do?” ask them what they would like to do and then do it.
Listen to them. Sometimes they are quicker to tell the older set the hopes and dreams they have as well as the trials and pain they suffer than they are to tell their parents. Learn to keep a confidence. If it is something Dad and Mom need to know, encourage your youngster to tell all and be willing to be a part of the telling. Be an encourager. If they say something very sage that makes you laugh, remember to be honest with why you are laughing. Could it be because you once thought the same thing and aging and daily living took it away?
Youngsters have to do their part. Take off the headphones and ear buds and hear what your parents and grandparents are saying. Some of it will astound you. No holding hands or kissing until you were engaged (in some cases not until you were married)? Find out why. Find out if it was difficult. Find out why granddad thought grandma was pretty and why she thought he was handsome. Teach the oldies how to text! Teach them to play a game on an I-pad or I-pod. Let them teach you how to play scrabble without electronics.
Start small and build a strong foundation of mutual trust and enjoyment. What could be better than learning sitting around the fire pit in the back yard is more fun than sci-fi, or vampires, on the television? Share each other’s hobbies and find humor in what you cannot do as well as the other generation can do. Try dancing to each other’s music. (In my case you would have to learn to dance to operatic arias!)
When people complimented Dave and me on how well our children were behaving or growing into adults, we would smile, thank them and admit they were who they were in spite of us and our mistakes! We weren’t being flip; we were giving God credit for raising them when we messed up. My mistakes were often in giving too much information before they were ready to receive it. Sometimes it was funny. After Helen did not follow direction carefully given to her, I angrily demanded why, if she hadn’t understood, did she not ask for clarification. She tearfully stood before me (probably all of 7 years old) and said, “You always talk like you are writing a book! If I ask you to explain you get worse!” I burst into laughter and promised to try to do better and to ask for questions. Marc always insisted I talked so long he forgot the beginning by the time I reached the end! I remember these times because I learned from them and they are funny. I am sure they remember times when I didn’t learn and it wasn’t funny! With our grandchildren, I have had the pleasure of enjoying them and the pressure of over-correcting, driving to succeed, and creating up-standing citizens of the community to glorify their parent is not so strong. Ooooops! Who is supposed to be glorified? I overheard our two telling someone what it was like to be corrected by me. Marc referred to my "maniacle murderer's voice" and "the look that turned him to stone". Helen said, "She used to kneel down at our level, hold us by our little shirt fronts, and hiss into our faces until our eyeballs rolled back in our heads! And, she would smile so people passing by thought we were being sweetly talked to by the loving mom!" Rosy little family portrait, what?
The Bible is full of child-rearing hints and direction. Here are two of them. Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. And Proverbs 23:13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. In my generation, some of our friends took this literally and smacked their kids for every infraction. One woman I admired in most areas talked of putting her toddlers to bed with repeated spankings because they stood up in their cribs and cried to get up. What a lovely bedtime! She was trying so hard to be biblical, she was forgetting compassion. Another friend of mine startled me when she squished an entire toasted marshmallow into her son’s mouth to “keep his clothes clean”. He cried so she swatted him. I remarked that the treat was hot. She said, “He knows he’s supposed to keep his clothes clean and he wasn’t obeying me!” Whoa, Bubba! That isn’t what God intended at all. For a bit Satan had a field day twisting God’s meaning from the scriptures and parents bought it hook, line and sinker.
Jesus didn’t use the rod on his listeners. He chastised, spoke in anger and strong words to those who were self-righteous and keeping people from seeing the One True God. He downright put the fear of God into the money changers in the temple. But, to those who sought and believed, he was gentle, and meek, and loving. He taught, He set examples, He prayed. That’s a model parent! Why couldn’t I have known that when I was parenting? I did my best with what I had within me at the time and God protected me from doing my worst. With our Bett and Belle, our kids have looked on and marveled at the things we do and wondered how we changed. I smile. I used to tell our kids in the midst of their squabbles over who “mom always liked best”, that they would see how much we loved them when they saw us with their children. “You will see us do things we wish we had known to do with you, the things we couldn’t do because we were busy being responsible parents, and the things we just didn’t have money to do after meeting the bills and feeding and clothing you.”
Recently, a young woman showed an interest in knitting. I’ve taught knitting for years; in fact, I’ve knit longer than she has lived! She said there was a group of women who were interested and would I be willing to have a group. After some initial planning, eight women in a range of ages from (I’m guessing middle 20’s to middle 40’s) gathered round our kitchen table and classes began. Tomorrow night will be the last of four lessons. You know what? We laugh, and talk, and tease each other and sympathize. They accept me at least 30 years their senior and I enjoy them. We will get together to knit off and on through the future. Dave and I open our home on alternate Thursdays for knitters who just want to come knit and I help with problem areas in their projects. Here’s the fun part. I didn’t stop to think until today that we are an inter-generational group. On 15 February 2012, I will begin meeting with two moms and their homeschooled children for four weeks on Wednesday mornings to teach the young teens to knit and one of the moms to teach. Can you believe it? I’ll blog again to let you know how it goes. I think God is smiling. I know I am!
Don’t think because I can see the correct way to do things on paper I get it right in practice. I am a clay vessel with lots of cracks. I haven’t mentioned Dave’s parenting ideas here because in spite of what I sound like sometimes I try not to speak for him. We agreed on many things, some we didn’t. We made our share of mistakes, but we look at our kids and see those things God took out of our hands and turned into something pretty wonderful. We also see our mistakes walking around on their legs! I like our kids (loving them goes without saying). Our granddaughters are the reward for hanging in there and being parents. Someday Marc and Jenny will know that. Helen and Kevin will not have any children of their own, but if they adopt some day, they will have to experience the tightrope walk of raising kids so they may be rewarded with grandchildren. Helen is a teacher in a childcare center. Her earliest charges have graduated college. Many a child has been blessed with her love and care. She is especially good with behavior challenged youngsters.
I guess what I am doing in this blog is thinking out loud about how our world has separated families and generations and how we can bring them back together. First step: Pray. Second step: Pray some more. Third step: Say “Hi” to someone not in your current generation and see where it takes you. Fourth step: Keep stepping!
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